Don't Clear Me

We load up to head to my 6-week doctor's appointment and I force back tears. This drive feels heavy. Knowing that this appointment sends me back to work and away from my baby is painful. I fill with frustration at the lack of support there is for moms to care for the new life that is so dependent on them.

(Don't get me started on how upsetting unpaid maternity leave is...)

I forcefully remind myself, you get to provide for them. Going back to work means you no longer have to plummet into the negative, and drain your savings. Your job has blessings of flexibility. You’re taking steps closer to your dream to care well for your family and to help other families have mental, emotional, and spiritual freedom.

Pulling myself together we walk into the appointment. I feel like a super mom breastfeeding my baby as the doctor talks with us, until she asks how I am doing mentally and I begin to cry again. Overall I am doing well but this step is hard. I want to shut the whole world out and sit at home with this sweet baby forever.

I fear my inability to do it all and face the reality that there is no way I can do it all. Things will continue to be sacrificed as I learn how to narrow in on all that truly matters now. With every "yes" means I am also saying "no" to something else.

You can clear me...

• this means I am healthy and healing well
• this means each snuggle will now be more special
• this means our bills will once again be covered by my income

and for all that and more I am grateful.

The last day of maternity leave went by too quick, but so did all the other days. Watching this baby grow is the greatest gift and I just want to soak up every last drop. I embrace this final day in this stage of being on maternity leave and trust that the next stage will carry joy too.